– Do you write real good with dem fancy words?
– Could you sell hair care products to Patrick Stewart?
– Do you thrive in a high-stress environment filled with political infighting, bureaucracy, and corporate nonsense?
If so, then we are the place for you, except you might hate how nice of a company we have – filled with happy, generally competent people that don’t put up with jerks. Frankly, it makes me sick how nice everyone is.
We are remote full time, have very flexible hours, people are judged by their output, not by how much they suck up to the boss, and turnover is super low because the company believes that happy employees=happy customers=happy bank account. Simply disgusting, if you ask me.
–Is this a real job ad?–
Yup! Amazingly enough, we actually paid money to post this on a bunch of different job sites. And it’s not even a pyramid scheme! Plus, get this: the owner just started paying our 60ish employees with money instead of Pizza Hut coupons – we’re big time, people.
Our careers page is actually worth checking out to learn more about how insane we are (sidenote: it won a web design award in 1993 – we’re a pretty big deal):
And check out our reviews on
Google,
Glassdoor, or
Indeed to see that it’s not just the founder’s mother who says we’re cool.
–What do you guys do?–
We do a lot of different things these days including selling awesome consumer products (these are just a small sampling):
Running this Amazon Pay-Per-Click agency: PPCFarm.com (we’re really, really good at PPC)
And we will soon be launching a SaaS product for inventory management.
We are doing our best to grow rapidly every year, and it’s our intention to continue that for as long as possible, which means we need good people to help us keep up with the growth.
–What is your company like?–
1. You Can Be Yourself. You don’t have to put on a fake, professional face. You can just be yourself. You can talk smack to the CEO (highly encouraged), and no one will think anything of it. You don’t have to dress up, or use formal language, or pretend to be something you’re not – you can just be you.
2. Major Opportunities for Career Growth. We are not trying to just be a small business. We plan to be doing $100 million annually in the next few years. We promote quickly once we identify talent. It doesn’t matter what your credentials are – it matters what you get done.
3. Full Time Remote/Flexible Hours. You will be working from home in your pajamas, on your schedule. And we don’t care if you work 10 hour days 4 days a week or 6 hours a day and catch up over the weekend. So long as you get a lot of work done, we’re happy campers.
4. Complete Work/Life Balance. If you’re routinely working more than 45ish hours, you’re gonna get a friendly talking-to. We want you to be operating at 100% capacity, which means that you need to rest.
5. Strongly Anti-BS. Anybody in the company can (and is expected to) tell the CEO when he is wrong. There are no bureaucratic or BS rules getting in the way of getting work done.
6. No Micro-Management. Once you’re trained and have demonstrated you know your stuff, we are pretty hands-off. In fact, if you need external management to stay on-task and motivated, we probably aren’t the place for you.
7. No Toxic/Incompetent People Allowed. We try very hard to screen out mean or stupid people before they get in, but in case they slip through, we fire them quickly. You will never have to interact with someone who is an obvious idiot or straight up malicious. No toxic or incompetent people at work – could it really be? [Yes]
8. Supportive Environment. We don’t operate via intense stress or unreasonable top-down deadlines. Everyone wants you to be successful – internal politics are at a minimum here.
9. Lots of Raises. We do our absolute best to get ahead of things and give raises preemptively, so you don’t have to ask for one. It’s not unusual at all for someone to receive 2+ raises per year.
10. We’ll Invest in Your Training. We want you and everyone to get better constantly. You’ll be learning new things all the time, and are strongly encouraged to invest time every day to learn new things, improve your system/work process, and just generally try to make your life easier.
11. 4-6+ Weeks Vacation. We 100% want you to recharge, so having plenty of time off is absolutely worth it.
12. Paid Maternity/Paternity Leave. We’ve even started letting people skip meetings during labor!
13. Self-Funded So We Can Do What’s Right for Us. We don’t have to answer to anyone but ourselves, so we can make the right decision for the long-term health of the company vs trying to get big too fast or cut corners to appease some selfish investor.
–What are your company’s values?–
Yes, those are legitimately our values. The careers page is definitely worth checking out – it’s not just normal corporate BS. We promise you’ll learn a lot about us.
–OK, so I’ve read like 8 dang pages about you guys. Will you tell me what the actual job is?–
No.
–Wait… What?–
Super short version:
Writing a lot of things, including Amazon listings, website copy, packaging copy, apology notes to people the founder hits with his car, and more.
You’ll also be creating and maintaining a system to efficiently create world class copy, which we’ll definitely help you with.
To be clear, copywriting is not just writing – there is a ton of keyword research and market research. The best copywriter generally spends just as much time thinking/researching their audience as they do actually producing words on paper.
Like everyone else in the company, you will also need to innovate regularly – which means figuring out ways to improve quality and production speed.
It is challenging, but fun work that’s going to require a lot of time and task management, problem-solving, and a reasonable amount of people skills.
–Do I need experience?–
We expect you to have a minimum of 70 years of experience (120+ preferred).
Oh, you haven’t lived two lifetimes eating and breathing business 24/7/365? Who TF do you think you are, reading this job description? You absolute buffoon.
Oh, you haven’t been directly involved in at least two (preferably three) World Wars? You’re not even qualified to operate our coffee machine, you sentient potato.
Oh, you didn’t observe the Big Bang as it happened? Get out of here, you pirated copy of Windows 95.
I might literally throw up from your insolence. The hubris to think that you, you absolute fool, could apply for an apprentice position – absolutely sickening.
Also, no you don’t need any experience. If you’re awesome, we’ll be able to tell.
We want special people, and don’t give AF what their background is. Most of our best people did nothing remotely related to their current roles, so if you’ve never done anything like this before, don’t sweat it. We hire 100x more for potential than existing knowledge.
The Big Bang requirement still stands though.
–Do I need a college degree?–
You just need to be awesome.
–Are there any geographic restrictions?–
As long as you are in a country that doesn’t have active sanctions from the US government, we are interested. Our founder isn’t known for respecting the government much, but they have all the guns, so…
–How much will I be expected to write?–
A lot, but it won’t be anything unrealistic. We basically don’t have quotas anywhere in the company, mostly because everyone just produces at a high level on their own.
–Do I need to be a native English speaker?–
It will probably help you but no you don’t. We have people all over the world doing creative things for us. If you consume a lot of American media, I bet you’ll be just fine.
–This sounds pretty good, though I’m still skeptical that this isn’t a pyramid scheme.–
You sound just like the tax authorities!
–That doesn’t resolve any of my fears, but what do I need to do to apply?–
Please submit your information on the following page to apply. We promise to respond within 5-10 business days even if our answer is No.
There will be multiple steps in this process, FYI, including a long written application, interviews with potentially a few different people, and paid work test(s). Hiring the right people is really hard and very expensive if we do it poorly, so we have to front-load the process. I’m sorry about that and thank you for sticking with us.
Once you’re in our pipeline though, I would anticipate giving you a final answer within a few weeks, depending on how it goes. We definitely don’t want to string you along, and as long as you do what we ask, we promise to tell you “yes” or “no”, and to not just ghost you (like everybody I match with on Tinder).
Thank you for your time and interest, and I hope we can work together soon!